A Crowded Room

I don't sleep much. This is nothing new. There are several reasons and I've tried everything for it.

Bottom line: If energy doesn't flow around me, I can't rest. It will drive me fucking insane. When your housemate is a hoarder and you're anything like me, you're fucked. Energy is everything to me. I'm extremely in tune with it. When it becomes stagnant, I cant breathe.

Reason #2: Some times those dead people just won't shut up. Recently, I was able to release a very sweet spirit that had been hanging around me for about a month. She was always there, but she was quiet. I would wake up at night and see her sitting on the floor next to me. Let me back up... this shit does not freak me out. It's always been there but I haven't always talked about it. Now, I consider a part of what I do. Anyway, she was recently released with a client that she was attached to.

Apparently now that she is gone, there are several more deciding they need to show up. I don't mind. I try to listen, but when it's a handful of voices at one time, it becomes very overwhelming. I have to figure out with each one if they are showing up because they have something they need to say to someone, or if they are just passing through and soaking up some of the energy in the room to get them where they are going. Sometimes they will stick around just long enough to drop a little clue. A hint to something that I will run into in the near future. That little message they gave me will apply somehow. It's all pretty cool actually.

I have never claimed to be a medium and I never will. I don't focus on talking to the dead. I'm just here if they decide they want to have a conversation.

 Let me walk you through a typical late evening.

As I sit here on the couch with only the Christmas tree lit, I have my feet up and I'm comfortable under a blanket. Earphones are in (they help block out the noise) and I'm trying to concentrate on what I'm typing.

I look towards the other end of the couch. There sits a shadow. A little hunched over and he's having a hard time breathing. He coughs and then a silhouette of his face begins to appear. At first, I thought this may be my father, but then I remember he always calls me by name first. He's wearing a red and black flannel shirt with weathered blue jeans and muddy work boots. I wonder if he is someone that lived here at one time in the past.

I look across the room and there's another. This shadow is about 4 feet tall and is very active, almost bouncing. It's another child. He's been here before and passes through often. I'm not sure where he goes, but I'd like to think he feels visiting here is safe.

A friend of a friend who passed away a few weeks ago is over my right shoulder. He's happy but still figuring out his next step.

Across the room and through the doorway to the hall is my sister. We have a deal. She can hang out but at a distance. At no time is she allowed to touch me or any of the energy that I put off. If I walk in her direction, she has to move. She is not allowed to bring any negative energy with her. These boundaries had to be set up three times before she learned to listen. I had the help of two mediums to make sure she understood how the game is played. She's afraid to move on and for a while she felt like she didn't have to. She was leaving it up to me to help her. Not my circus, not my monkeys. She was sucking me dry like a vampire. I was sick, tired and sad. I honestly felt as if I had a serious health problem. This went on for almost a year. I could constantly feel her... but she was literally attached to me. She would not let go. Thank goodness for the two ladies that worked with me. Now, she's pretty quiet and keeps her distance. I don't know if she will ever fully move on.

So, there's my room full of company for tonight. Don't get me wrong, I love being aware. I actually feel pretty honored that they don't mind showing themselves around me. Some will dart around a corner as you catch a glimpse.

I get asked a lot how I deal with seeing "it" all the time. I don't see anything clearly unless I focus. There are times where someone is extremely clear all the time, like the little girl I mentioned. But usually its all muddled until I begin to separate the pieces. It's like strong background noise. Hence, not being able to sleep.

So for now, I will tell them all good night in hopes they will quiet down long enough for me to doze off. Around 3:00 the next group will visit and I'll be awake again. I don't mind that group either. It always smells like a Sunday morning country breakfast is cooking.

Dissolved Girl 2009

Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay

Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Feels like something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go, oh

I feel live something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more, oh.

Reborn - Falling from the Sky

My 2nd and last tandem jump is scheduled for tomorrow morning. After today, it's all training for my solo license. Shiiiiiiiit...

A friend asked me today why it was that I thought the first dive changed my life. I told him it's the difference between sitting on the couch and wishing and getting off the couch and doing. it's about surrendering everything that your mortal mind knows and going against the grain. It's about stepping out into the waves of gravity and fooling yourself into thinking you are defying it.

Then, someone said it's like being born. Yes. it's like experiencing everything over for the first time and wanting to grab hold of it all at once. You want to inhale life within 60 seconds. Yes, it is a religious experience.

I look forward to my jump with dread and excitement. The dread of the fear... which is only real if I let it be... and the excitement of experiencing life again for what feels like the first time and through a completely different perspective.

When you conquer fear you are capable of anything. There is nothing else in this world I can imagine that will give me this feeling. i am chasing something... but for once, I can reach it.

Yes, I can fear for my life if I choose. This is about the experience. This is about the LIFE that I feel. It's as if I've been asleep for entirely too long. This must be that "high" they talk about. Good lord, it's awesome. I'm in trouble.


Why let fear win? Why waste this moment? This is my moment. I am alive. I ride the sky. I fly like a bird. I have no fear. I'm lying. I'm scared shitless.

transition in 6 minutes

I don't really even know how to begin this blog. I have recently experienced the most amazing feeling of my lifetime. I went skydiving.

It was on a complete whim. I have been joking lately that I am spinning head first into a mid-life crisis. It was last Friday evening and I was sitting on the couch asking my husband what in the world he wanted to do this weekend. We tossed around a few ideas and settled on maybe going bowling. What the fuck?

It was at that point I decided the time had come. I was going to jump out of a plane. I stated this, just as plainly as I just typed it, got up from my seat and sat at my computer. Little did I know, one of the biggest drop zones in the US was 7 miles from my home. I didn't look at the price, only the time slots available for the next day and booked my reservation.

I went back into the living room and said to my husband,"It's official. I'm jumping out of a plane tomorrow." His reaction was that of disbelief coupled with a few remarks stating I'm crazy... all in good spirit. Then he made sure to tell me that if I woke up the next morning and changed my mind he wouldn't think any less of me.

We went to bed around 12:30 that night. I was so excited about what I was going to experience the next morning, I could barely sleep. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. trying to figure out if I was dreading it or looking forward to it. I could feel my stomach flipping already. More than anything, I had a serious sense of determination. It was obvious I was in for this myself, no one was going with me. I had to have some strong sense of craziness to do this on my own.

I fixed a cup of coffe, and found something comfortable to wear. While doing my morning routine, the only thing I kept thinking was what in the world I would be feeling in the next 2 hours.

The time came and I got in my car and drove to the Drop Zone. It was very foggy but the sun was beautiful. It was hiding behind all the morning muck and looked like a glowing disc leading me to absolute FEAR.

I pulled up to the drop zone and was one of the first people there. I realized I was on a sort of campus. There were several buildings along with trailers where people camped or lived. As I walked further onto campus, there was a young man sitting on the porch of a building dubbed "City Hall" wrapped in a towel smoking a cigarette. "Morning," he said, "you hear to jump, I see?" He had a distinct german accent. I slowly walked up the steps and answered, "yes."

He took a drag from his smoke and I noticed he was holding his shorts and underwear in his hand. As he exhaled he asked if I had jumped before. "No," I said.

He looked at me with one eye squinting and stated,"This will be the 2nd best experience of your entire life." I pondered for a moment wondering if he was fucking with me. "What's the first?" I asked.

"Who would want to know?" As I thought about this, I realized I was in for something huge. I knew that I was about to do something that most people don't have the nerve for. It was no roller coaster.

I walked further onto campus to the viewing area of the landing zone. I started to zero in on signs that stated," We do not have insurance. If this is a problem for you, please leave." No, this was no roller coaster. I was here to risk my life - by choice.

I walked into the office and they handed me my 4 page waiver. After realizing it meant if anything happened I was fucked but it was my choice to take part in this... I skimmed through it quickly and signed my name.

I waited near the landing zone for a bit of training and with the other folks that were going to be in the plane with me. Most folks were experienced solo jumpers in their custom jumpsuits and color coordinated gear. There were a few folks there just like me - about to experience this for the first time. One girl constantly held back tears from fear. I can't blame her. I had my moments.

Our instructor asked why we decided to jump. My answer? I didn't want to go bowling. As he gave us a few pointers on things to do once we were in the air I wondered if I was going to actually be able to pay attention to ANY of this once I was falling at 120 mph.

We waited for the morning fog to lift. As it did, I saw the plane we would be jumping out of. it was all beginning to feel real. My name was called. By a young man that earlier changed clothes on the back porch for everyone to see. I guess if you make your living soaring through the sky you're pretty much desensitized from people seeing you in your briefs while you dress yourself for the next drop.

He fit me with a jump suit and began putting my harness on me. After a little while we were all called to walk out to the plane. We walked out to the loading zone and the plane's propellers began to spin. Another instructor loaded the plane first with his jumper (the chick that cried). As the pilot motioned for us to board I had to tap my instructor to get his attention. "Oh shit," I thought.

We all loaded and I realized I was in the back of the plane with the instructor. I figured out quickly we would be the last off the plane. I knew then I would have to watch all these other people jump off into the sky before my turn came.

All the solo jumpers were loaded in front of the first timers. They really enjoyed looking back and seeing the fear on our faces, especially when I started to hyperventilate as the plane gained altitude. We were packe d onthe floor of the plane like sardines pushed against each other's laps. This was not the First Class seating I'm used to.

My instructor patted me on the shoulder. "You alright, sweetie?" "Yep." I was lying. We climbed through the sky as the smell of fuel in the plane burned my eyes.

the experienced divers looked back one more time for a good laugh before we got to 15,000 feet. The instructor tied to the jumper that was crying pulled out a cute little booklet called "Skydiving for Dummies" and began thumbing through it. We all got a good laugh and then it happened...

The back of the plane opened. The noise began, louder than before, all I saw in front of me was open sky. All the solo jumpers in the first 3 rows began to stand, walk to the red line then simply walk off the back of the plane. This was no Wiley Coyote scene. They didn't step out into the sky, dangle for a few minutes and then the sky whistled as they dropped. They walked off and they were gone.

I stood up with my instructor after he tightened my suit. "Ok, honey. We're gonna walk up to that red line and after the other folks jump, we're going to the edge and we're going to jump off this plane." "ok..."

All the other tandem folks jumped off. I figured if they could do it I could. I thought if my heart couldn't take it, I could close my eyes as a defense until the worst part was over. The only problem, I didn't know what the worst part was.

I started to take deep breaths. "You ok, honey? We're about to do this! Let's do it! Do you want to walk to the edge and look down? Or do you just want to walk off?" "Walk off, let's just walk off for fuck's sake..."

We stood up to the red line, the plane was much lighter in back now with everyone else gone. We began to walk. "Oh my God, I'm doing this. Oh God, what do I do. Oh shit."

We walked to the edge and I remember the first step with no plane under me. I took a deep breath full of panic. Our bodies did a backwards turn against the wind. My life just drastically changed within this very moment. I will never look at life the same.

I was so full of adrenaline and fear I didn't know where I was or what I should feel. Within seconds I was against the wind with our bodies turned toward the ground. I couldn't BELIEVE what I was feeling. the wind was hitting me in the face so hard, it was so loud I couldn't hear myself. I was falling at 120 mph at 15,000 ft in the air and Mother Earth was punching me in face. It was beautiful!

I could feel tears streaming over my cheeks. I wasn't scared. I was amazed. I kept falling and falling and falling. This thankfully, was the longest minute of my life. I felt free. There was NOTHING under me. NOTHING above me. I was flying. I was alive. It was cold, my ears began to hurt, but I never wanted this moment to end. I saw my instructor's hands in front and above my face. He gave a quick thumbs up. This is when I realized I was really glad I didn't pay for the video. My 30 seconds (at least) of disbelief and sheer terror would not have been appealing.

The parachute deployed and our feet quickly dropped beneath us. it was then I realized how loud I had been talking/screaming. "OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! That was so AMAZING!!!" The instructor giggled. "Did you hear me screaming?" "Haha, a little bit."

The 5 minute ride down with the parachute was beautiful and slow. Slow... the complete opposite of what I had just experienced.

We started to approach the ground quickly. As we landed the instructor detached the parachute and announced I was free to go. I leaned back and collapsed. He laughed. I got back up and stood up. He hugged me telling me I had a great jump. i wonder what classifies a bad one?

He filled out my jump log and I was sent on my way. the german was right. What could be better than this? And if there is something better, could my human body register it? There is absolutely nothing on the face of this earth that could ever top this experience.

"Once you have flown, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been, and there you long to return." Leonardo da Vinci

I cannot wait for my next jump.

it's just me and my cheap bottle of wine

Well, at least it's not out of a box.

Today was bad. Just bad. Just plain bad. Nothing good.

I hit a new low today for a few minutes. I'm trying my best to forget it all. Afterall, tomorrow is a new day, right?

I heard a beautiful quote on Ugly Americans today - In America you're always taught to reach for the stars, but for some just accepting who you are is hard enough. Others end up regretting the cost they paid to get to the top. Life is hard enough as it is. I say there are more important things to worry about. The best advice might be to just leave the stars alone, have a few drinks and pass out on your desk.

So I figure I'll give that a try... with my $5.00 bottle of wine. Fuck corporate. Fuck their attorneys.

Jill Tracy

An inspiration to my dark side. It's that sound that your mind and heart try to creat on paper, but can't. Then, one day you hear it and realize it's been there all along. Such a shame I was almost 30 when I first heard her music.

Indeed, it is creepy. Welcome to my other side. The one without the pink toenail polish and cute, fuzzy critters. :)

http://www.jilltracy.com/